This Is Me
by verbal acuity
Summary: AdamClare - A moment with Clare makes Adam realize something traumatic - ongoing.
1. This Is Me

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Degrassi. Or the dialog.

**A/N**: This pairing intrigues me. Oh man. I am 100% EliClare, but for some reason after this episode, AdamClare is there, too. AND I ADORE IT. Yes, I used the dialog from the episode, how unoriginal of me. ROFL. This is my first AdamClare. And this scene was just too sweet to pass up. It is in Adam's POV. So here are my thoughts of what's going through Adam's head during this scene. :)

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THIS IS ME

I can't do this anymore. Gracie kills me, I can't be her.

Pulling out my lighter and taking the barrette from my hair, I heated the metal and pressed it firmly to my skin. It had been so long since I've felt this, it was reassuring knowing I could maintain some control over the pain I was feeling. This was me, soothing my heart with physical pain. Tears fell from my eyes. I just hope this will end soon...

"What are you doing?" A voice - a beautiful one at that - startled me into throwing the barrette onto the table. I looked away, couldn't face what I'd done. Clare sat next to me and grabbed my arm, gently touching the burns. I quickly covered them with my hand. "Adam..." She wanted to cry, I could see it in her eyes.

I plastered a fake smile onto my face and said, "If I'm Gracie, everything's easier, right?" I paused then added, "For everyone." Her mouth opened, as if she was going to say something, but I didn't let her. "When I was her I used to burn myself. It was how I let the anger out."

"But you're not her -"

"I have to be her!" I snapped, instantly regretting it. She was trying to help me, she cared about me. I knew it. "For my mom, my family. For everyone!" She shook her head. "I'm trying so hard..."

"You don't have to change who you are." Her hand on my arm was reassuring. I let out a breath I wasn't aware that I was holding. "Everyone else does."

It was that exact moment where I, Adam Torres, fell in love with Clare Edwards.

"Here, let me help get you home," she said softly, rubbing my arm. "Okay?" She turned to the table and grabbed my barrette and lighter.

"Not in these clothes," I almost laughed, looking at her for a brief moment. It's awkward now, looking at her knowing that I feel something... different. She's beautiful in a different way - not hot like Bianca. I wouldn't consider Clare hot. It would be an insult, calling the most beautiful girl "hot". I guess I understand now, what Eli sees in Clare.

"Come inside," she said, standing up, "I'll find you something." She helped me up, grabbed my backpack for me, and slipped her arm across my shoulder and walked me to the entrance to the school. I couldn't help wondering - as I relaxed in the arms of the girl that my first real friend here just so happens to be in love with - what Eli would think. I would never want to hurt him by taking this amazing, trusting girl from him... but at the same time I wish she could be mine. She may not be going through what I'm going through, but she gets me. She accepts me. And she's protecting me.

Is it so wrong to have feelings for the first girl I'm attracted to that actually hasn't shunned me and wants to even jeopardize her school life by walking down the hall with her arm around me? I can't help but think, 'Eli Goldsworthy, you are the luckiest boy on Earth.'

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Sorry that I butchered Adam... D: Review anyway?


	2. Something Completely Different

**Disclaimer**: -Shuffles papers- Nope. Degrassi isn't mine.

So. I didn't really want this to be more than a oneshot, but an idea popped up and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. So I guess here's chapter two. It's short, yes, but the next chapter is going to be Eli's point of view so hopefully it'll be longer. There just wasn't much to write for Clare. Oh well. Here goes nothing...

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SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

I walked him to the gym hoping he had something to wear that he was comfortable in. I hated seeing my friends upset, and for some reason seeing Adam this upset made it worse. In the few days I've known him I've become attached, much like Eli. He doesn't deserve all this pain...

Adam stopped in front of a locker and turned the combination lock. He pulled out a baggy sweatshirt, probably three sizes too big for him, and tugged it over Gracie's clothes. Although he hates her, Gracie was definitely beautiful. But I do admit I like Adam more.

He turned to me and smiled slightly, I returned it kindly. "Ready?"

Nodding, he followed behind me, until I stopped when he said, "Wait." I turned to look at him, worried, but his fingers wrapped around my wrist and he tugged me close to him. His breath fanned over my lips before they were covered in something warm and soft. When I gasped he used it to his advantage and pressed his tongue past my lips. I blushed profusely, eyes widening. I didn't know what to do. The last person I'd kissed was K.C. and that didn't feel... this good.

Without my consent I melted into his arms and accepted the kiss, eyes slipping closed.

After what seemed like forever, Adam pulled away with a goofy grin on his face. "Thank you, Clare," he said, running his soft fingers along my cheek. I leaned into the touch. "You saved me."

I smiled, a true smile - the truest since my parents started fighting, since I met Eli - and nodded. These two boys make a new Clare surface. A Clare that I wasn't aware was inside me. I can never let them go.

I walked Adam home, hand in hand. I don't want him to be walking the streets by himself. I want to hold onto him forever, protect him from every bad person out there. The way I know Eli thinks about me. Eli can be there for me, holding strong while I hold strong for Adam. Eli cares about Adam, too. But Adam brings out the protective side of me. He's mine. No one can touch him.

I hugged him goodbye, handing his backpack to him, and he kissed me on the cheek. "I'll see you later, Clare," he said and the door shut, separating us. I sighed and turned to walk away, quickly typing a text to Eli. This was going to be a hard conversation to have with him.

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DON'T HURT ME FOR THIS, PLEASE. D:


	3. Hold On Tight

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, unfortunately.

So... Eli's POV. It had to happen. I didn't think this story would be so popular... honestly. ROFL. I only wrote it to appease and ease my troubled mind. Was only supposed to be a oneshot, but that didn't happen. XD ANYWAY. This chapter's got a bit EliClare. Because I can't not write it. I might conclude this story in another chapter or two. :)

OHMYGOD PROMO FOR NEXT WEEK! KISS. D: FINALLY. BUT ELI. AND THE MUCH MUSIC PROMO... UGHHH. ALSO. ZANE. ;o;

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HOLD ON TIGHT

_I need to see you. Meet me at the Dot in 10?_

I raised an eyebrow as I read and re-read the text from Clare. Is everything alright? I snapped my phone closed, pulled Morty's keys from my pocket and ran towards him. Up until now I had been just sitting at one of the benches, postponing going home. I hate going home. But Clare marks a perfect distraction.

Starting the ignition I threw it in drive and sped out of the school parkinglot towards Degrassi's main hangout. Parking in front I noticed Clare sitting at a booth against the front window. She looked worried. Once in park, I turned the car off, locked the doors and walked into the Dot. At the sound of the bell above the door, she turned and smiled nervously at me.

"Clare?" I slowly sat across from her and grabbed her hand. She didn't pull away. "Are you okay?" This girl changed my whole life, made me care, made me feel alive again. And seeing her sad pulls something in my stomach, a sickening feeling, twisting my insides. She couldn't look at me.

"Adam..." she said, so quietly I could barely hear her, but I heard nonetheless. Oh God. Was he alright? Did Fitz get to him? I swear to whatever god there is that if anyone layed a finger on Adam - "He -" she bit her lip so hard I could see a small amount of blood surface. Subconsiously I reached over and touched it softly, like she had done with my cut lip. She cringed away. "He - kissed me," she let out a heavy breath and my world crashed around me. Adam kissed... Clare?

I must have looked insane because her hand in mine tightened and her blue eyes, so deep and beautiful, soothed me into calming my breathing. "It wasn't like that! He -" she paused for a moment, nibbling her lip again. I wish she'd stop. Though with her lips swollen like that she looks so kissable. But if two boys kissed her in one day she might go into cardiac arrest. "He was thanking me, Eli."

I raised an eyebrow, unable to find words. Her fingers rubbed soothing circles along my forearm. "I found him... burning himself," she choked out, tears threatening to spill. "With Gracie's barrette, I -" Swallowing, she looked away. "He's scared, Eli. So scared. He was going to give up being Adam, being _himself_, to make everyone else happy, I just couldn't..."

Now tears really fell from her eyes and I stood up, walked around the table and sat next to her, arm around her small shoulders. She continued, "I told him he shouldn't change for anyone. He doesn't have to. Everyone else does," she hiccupped and I soothingly rubbed her back. I was at a loss for words, all I could do was hold her. I can't even be the slightest upset at Adam for kissing her. Clare is amazing. I would have done the same thing had I been Adam.

"Clare," I said finally, threading my fingers in her hair. She made a small noise that I took as 'Continue'. "It'll be okay. We'll help Adam get through this." I just hope that I can get through this... I don't like the thought of someone else kissing Clare before I got the chance. "Don't worry."

Her head fell softly only my shoulder and I felt her nod slowly. When she spoke, her voice was quiet, "You're not... mad?"

I almost cringed. I wasn't mad, I was just a little upset. Adam knew that I've had these feelings for Clare the moment I set my eyes on her. So technically this counts as betrayal. But I really am not mad. Clare is beautiful, anyone would kiss her if given the chance. I just hope it never happens again. But the real question is...

"I'm not mad," I said finally, after a heartbreaking silence. "I do have one question, though, and I want a serious, true answer." I pulled away from her, grasping her shoulders on either side. I held her at arms length and made sure her eyes were locked onto mine. Locked so tight she couldn't look away. She was entranced by me and I wasn't too far behind. "Do you feel anything for Adam?"

Her body gave a quick jerk at the sudden, unexpected question. The silence that followed made me fear for the worst. And believe me, I wasn't far off. "...Yes," she said, voice breaking. My hands slid from her shoulders and landed on my sides. I - Clare - Adam - This. I just. I could never in a million years... fathom that this beautiful girl - the one that's been haunting my every dream every night these past few months - could ever like me, for any amount of time and then just... stop. I can't believe the complete shit hand that was just dealt to me. I have every right to take those cards, tear them up and burn them. Take Clare back.

_As if she was even yours to begin with, Eli_, the sudden voice in my head said, and I jerked back, just now aware of the tears running down Clare's face, of the tears blurring _my_ vision.

I could take her, it would be easy. I could grasp that dainty wrist, tug her from the booth roughly and drag her to Morty. I could drive, and drive, and drive, without any destination whatsoever. Go anywhere, just so that it's her and I. I could start a new life, with Clare Edwards. We could start a new life. And she would be mine. Forever.

But I won't do that, no. I would never do anything that could jeopardize our relationship (whatever it happens to be nowadays). I would never do anything - force her to do anything - that would make her sad.

And as much as it would hurt me to see them - Clare and Adam, happy together - I could never say goodbye to her.

For now, though, I need to get away.

I stood up abruptly, but a small, gentle hand grasped _my_ wrist and held me firmly in place. Her touch, now that it means something completely different, burns my skin and I want to wrench my hand away. But I don't. I wait it out. Wait to hear whatever explanation she has, whatever excuse to cover up my heartache. Her fingers release my wrist for a second, then trail down, feather-light against my skin until she locks our fingers together. They linger there and she speaks.

"I feel something for Adam, yes." Great start there, you're not mending my heart very well, Blue Eyes. "But Eli, I feel something for you, too. Something... more. And I -" she pauses, and I finally look at her to see the steady flow of tears falling from her eyes. "I can't, Eli!" She shakes her head violently and I can't help but lean down and wrap her up in my embrace. "I can't choose..."

My heart stops for a fraction of a second. Clare is shaking in my arms, sobs wracking her body and I hold tight, unsure of what I should be feeling. But all I know is... I didn't want to let go.

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Didn't mean to butcher Eli... D:


End file.
